And what it is like, I now have reason to know that is completely indomitable. In any case, I seem to still be here, I seem to still be solid, I seem to still be playing by almost the same rules as before. But there is a fundamental, unforeseeable difference. Something I can’t put my finger on. Some remarkable form of irregularity that bothers me simply because it comes solely from myself, and nothing outside of myself seems to be feeding it.
Probably this will be confusing, but it isn’t for me, so fuck it.
Anything out there is a potential point of stickiness for this impossible internal desperation. It is a form of stress that strikes mostly when I’m not really conscious, and then it takes me hours to get back to my good old self. To my proper, inscrutable place. Tolle would say I’d do best to just let my particular thoughts at any given time to simply fade away. Some guy then invites him to speak at Google, and then he start his talk by mentioning urgent and pressing matters. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that sees with terrible clarity just how bizarrely paradoxical this is.
I myself have been wanting to get involved with Node.js, although the most pervasive thought in my head over the last couple of years is that I can’t wait to die and let everything behind. So, this unbelievable journey I’ve put myself through was for naught, gladly. But the world persists, and I know for sure that the apparent existence and persistence of this world is terribly irrelevant. In other words, this isn’t about truth, but it is rather mostly about going along to get along. It is about energy, and holism. About a harmonious life.
Might seem like a big deal, but I think it’s mostly about getting myself a more comfortable life, rather than actually doing anything. It is just about learning to settle down, to breathe, to wake up day after day. It has absolutely nothing to do with jobs, survival, money or anything like that. That’s beyond anyone’s control. That’s all beyond whatever measures of control can be taken. No amount of systems on top of systems can get it to work. No amount of spinning wheels within wheels.
In other words, if I make myself miserable today by chasing another job, that won’t necessarily mean that I will have a fallback once and if I get fired. The trademark of this particular form of craziness is that there are as many “if”s as possible put together to construe some sort of fear. And another terrible legacy is the fact that I’ve seldom done work outside of the paradigm of forced labour. Yes, it has happened, but the terrible school system which exists almost everywhere in this civilisation of ours has been thriving for centuries in preventing simple, calm, creative work.
I think it has to do with what the real mages out there in the world have been calling “prayer” for as long as I can tell. These guys understood, to a deeper degree than regular dwellers, that there can’t be no physical well-being without taking care of the invisible.by Fred Furst